


Huriyah

by tolstayas



Series: Augenblicke: Druck Missing Scenes [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Coming Out, F/F, Friendship/Love, Gay Character, Love Confessions, Muslim Character, Pansexual Character, all friendship is romantic!!!!!, my canon now i decide who's lgbt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23683000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolstayas/pseuds/tolstayas
Summary: Amira Thalia Mahmood on love, Islam, and the ridiculous beauty of being alive on Earth for a brief, miraculous, shared moment.(Amira-centric, set between S3E7 and S3E10.)
Relationships: Amira Thalia Mahmood/Mia Amalie Winter, Jonas Augustin/Matteo Florenzi (mentioned), Kiki Machwitz/Sam M'Pele (mentioned)
Series: Augenblicke: Druck Missing Scenes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797349
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	1. Sunday 16:43 / Monday 11:25

_Sunday 16:43_

_why do_

No, that isn’t right.

_why are peo_

That sounds stupid. Amira backspaces, hesitates.

_why are there gay people_

Search.

She feels nervous, suddenly, like she’s doing something she shouldn’t, like she’s afraid to get caught. Thinks of her mother seeing what she’s searching, thinking the wrong thing. _It’s for a friend._ That’s what they all say, though, isn’t it?

She stops herself there. So what if she _were_ searching it for herself? This is no place for shame. 

She scrolls through the search results. Strangely enough, she feels relieved at what she finds, although she feels a twang of embarrassment - guilt? - as she thinks back to what she said to Matteo. Well, it’s not strange. She would rather be proven wrong by the complexity of the world a million times, than be disappointed by its simplicity; and the world has never failed her.

So it’s settled: what she said wasn’t right, in any sense of the term, although she can’t completely blame herself for reacting that way. She’s noticed herself becoming more defensive, more abrasive. The sound of alarm bells ringing in her head has become so familiar that, sometimes, it drowns out everything else. That’s not who she wants to be. But if she’s going to be who she wants to be, that comes with it. She only hopes she will never lose her kindness where it is needed, her patience where it is deserved. Like she did with Matteo.

It wasn’t right, and she knows she can’t leave it at that. She texts him: _meet up tomorrow?_

At first he leaves her on read, which makes her worry. But then - _ok._

She suggests a time and place. An hour later comes a second _ok._

That evening, she’s restless. Her prayer feels more like desperation than solace. Lying in bed, she checks her phone every thirty seconds, without quite knowing what she’s waiting for. She tries putting on music, atmospheric sound, anything to take her mind off - what is it? But it doesn’t help, or at least, she doesn’t leave it on long enough for it to work. She opens YouTube, scrolls loosely through the recommended videos, looking for something calming, something low-effort to focus on. Something else catches her eye.

_Muslim and Gay: My Story_

She rolls her eyes - of course, they’re tracking all her searches. Google the word “gay” once - YouTube will never forget. 

But then she opens the video.

For the next two hours, she watches Muslim LGBT teens explain their struggles with sexuality and religion. A bisexual hijabi advocating for LGBT rights in schools. A nonbinary Muslim explaining how they found solace and self-love in the Coran. Trans girls describing the first time they wore a headscarf. Gay imams, married couples. TED talks about queer Muslim activism. Muslims at pride.

She looks at the time. Ugh. She’d been so good about sleeping before midnight. 

Well - it was worth it. She turns her phone off, rolls over, rearranges her pillows. But now she’s thinking - she’s thinking, what if…? What if I…?

She’s thinking about how, a few months ago, her heart would do a little somersault when Mia replied to her messages. The way Mia could cheer her up without even trying, just by being around her. The way she’d wanted so badly for Mia to think she was smart and funny and cool, and even more badly for Mia not to know she wanted her to think so. She’s thinking about how she’s never felt that way for anyone else since. 

If Mia were a boy, would she have doubted for a minute that…?

It’s not like this is the first time she’s ever thought about this. When she was in the thick of it she thought about it all the time, but, well, never thought of Googling it. And, come to think of it, she can remember having phases - crushes? - like that with other girls, in Coran class or in middle school. But somehow the knowledge that Mia is bi makes it different. Makes it okay, or almost okay. Makes it easier to understand, or at least harder to deny.

She rolls back over again, picks up her phone, opens her conversation with Mia. Scrolls all the way to the top, searches for the word “love”. 57 messages. She starts reading.

It’s kind of embarrassing - _did I really say that?_ \- but mostly it’s cute. 

She starts skipping the ones about Alex, then stops. Remembers the horrible, sinking, drowning feeling she’d felt when she saw Mia at his apartment. Sure, she didn’t want drama, she didn’t want infighting - that was reasonable. But why had she felt like _that_? Why, when Mia had shut the door behind her and she should have been on her way to the next customer, had she stopped, suddenly, and sat down in the stairwell with her face in her hands, breathing hard? Why did she care so much?

She scrolls back to their latest messages. Mia asking a question about logarithms. Her answer. Mia’s _thank you so much!!_ , a couple of heart emojis.

She considers texting her. _hey. can’t sleep. thinking of you._ She almost laughs out loud at herself. She should really put her phone away. But what about something more like her? _hey. i need to tell you something. are you free tomorrow?_ But what would she say? She doesn’t even really know what she’s feeling. What she felt - because whatever it was, she’s pretty sure she’s on the other side of it now. But even so, how do you say something like that? How do you explain something you barely understand yourself? She backspaces. Better stick to math for now. And anyway, she’s busy tomorrow. 

She puts her phone down, rolls over, rearranges her pillows.

When she wakes up to pray, she can hardly keep her eyes open, and goes straight back to sleep afterwards. But when she wakes up again, a couple of hours later, the sun is shining in her face and her head feels clearer than it has for a long time. All this studying - she’s hardly had time to think. She smells something warm and sweet from down the hallway - honey, nuts, fresh pastry. Her mother is baking. She smiles to herself, and realizes she’s looking forward to meeting up with Matteo in the afternoon. Who would have guessed?

* * *

_Monday 11:25_

In the café with Matteo, Amira realizes it can feel good to admit she doesn’t know everything, sometimes. It’s comforting to think that the world is infinitely more wonderful than she will ever understand. They laugh together. She’s brought baklava. There’s a comfortable feeling she hasn’t felt around him before. They’re friendly.

As they’re leaving, she finally works up the courage to ask him - or thinks she does.

“Hey - Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

Keyword _thinks_.

“I - uh - you know, what I was saying about, um, being gay -”

“It’s all good. I appreciate it, but - hey, are you okay?”

She probably looks pretty nervous.

“Listen, I know you don’t have it easy at the moment, I was just thinking - I was just wondering - are you busy now?”

“Now? Not really. Why?”

“Would you mind just - walking a bit, maybe? Just around to the park, or wherever? I think - we’re both pretty stressed out right now, and it could help to get some fresh air. And I - well, I sort of want to ask for your advice on something.”

“Advice from _me_? Who are you, and what have you done to Amira?” Matteo raises one eyebrow, goofily. Amira laughs a little, but doesn’t say anything. He shakes his head, well-meaning if a little confused. “Sure. I’ve spent too long cooped up at home on my phone.”

“Thanks.” They leave the café together; Amira slings her bag over her shoulder, raises her head to take a deep breath. For a moment they walk in silence.

“So?”

“I just - okay, so, I was doing some research, last night. About - being gay. Because I regretted what I said to you. And I started watching all these videos about, you know, people like me, Muslims, talking about being gay... or bi, or trans… And, well, I just…” She looks down at the pavement, huffs. “What I’m trying to say is, I think I might be… you know, gay. Or something.”

Matteo has a weird look on his face, almost like he’s impressed. His eyebrows are raised. He’s looking at nothing in particular, a few metres ahead of him. “Wow,” he says, finally. “I didn’t expect that.” 

Amira smiles a wistful little smile. Neither did I, she thinks but doesn’t say. “Yeah,” she mutters instead, uselessly. And then: “How did you know?”

“What, that I -”

“Yeah, that you like guys.”

Matteo looks embarrassed, laughs awkwardly. “Don’t, uh, tell anyone about this, okay?”

“Of course not.”

“It was, uh - shit, this is embarrassing - I had a crush on Jonas. That’s - I mean, I guess you already kind of knew that, now that I think about it. I mean, you’ve probably worked it out by now, but what I did to Hanna back in eleventh grade - well, yeah. It was because of him.”

Amira looks sympathetic. “Yeah. I kind of guessed, when I found out that - you know.”

“Yeah. So, anyway, Jonas has been my best friend since, like, forever. I always trusted him, he was always the best person in my life, really. And then he got with Leonie. I didn’t have anything against her, but he kept asking me what to do, because their relationship was a mess, and I always told him he should break up with her. It was almost a reflex, even though I wasn’t completely wrong. I knew it wasn’t going well for them. And one day we were at his place, hanging out, and suddenly he got all serious. He started talking about how he didn’t know what to do about Leonie, and I wasn’t sure where he was heading, because we’d talked about this before. And then he told me he was in love with someone else. And my brain went haywire, trying to figure out who. My heart started beating like crazy. I was just looking at him, watching his face, like I was waiting for a sign. I think I only paused for a few seconds, but it felt like ages. And when I finally asked who, and he said Hanna, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. So yeah, that’s how I knew. I mean, I’d sort of thought about it before, but never faced it directly. And even then, I kind of refused to think about it. Like, if you want to know when I really, actually admitted to myself that I’m gay, it’s… really recently. I lived like that for so long, just half knowing it, half pretending I didn’t. But now that I know, I think that that’s the moment I realized. Yeah. With hindsight it makes sense.”

Amira nods, pensive. Matteo waits a moment before talking again.

“Do you, uh, do you want to tell me about - I mean, you don’t have to, obviously, I was just thinking - you asked for advice, and…”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. It’s just… well, I’ve barely even started thinking about it. I don’t know. It’s just -”

“I get it. Really, I do.”

She looks at him, gratefully. They’re at the park now, and the sun is shining at a comforting angle, filtering serenely through the leaves. “Should we sit down?” 

They pick a bench. Amira puts her bag down on the ground. “I know you won’t tell anyone but - really don’t tell anyone, yeah?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“It’s - well, I don’t really - it’s Mia. I mean, I don’t feel that way about her anymore. Or at least, not really. But last year - it was really intense. I was - I just wanted to be around her all the time, and when I wasn’t with her I was waiting for her to text me. She made me so happy. I couldn’t explain it. And it’s sort of like you were saying, I knew and I didn’t know. Or, I knew and I told myself I didn’t know, because I didn’t want to have to think about it. But recently - with you, and seeing those videos last night, and also - I don’t know, I guess my life is sort of coming together, too, I can see where I’m going. I’m on the edge of something brand new, and suddenly I just - I guess I’m ready to face that part of myself now. Or I think I am. But it’s not... I don’t want to say this the wrong way, and you know I meant what I said about Islam, at the café. But not everyone thinks like that. And it’s not easy.”

Matteo nods. “I know.”

“Thank you for listening,” Amira says after a moment.

“It’s kind of comforting, actually. I don’t really, well, have anyone I can talk to about this. I mean, not everything.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Not to assume, but - I guess your family aren’t the easiest to talk to about this kind of thing?”

Amira shrugged. “I don’t really know. My brothers - I think my brothers would be cool about it. But they’d end up telling my mom, and… I really think, if it came down to it, she would do her best to understand. But… I just don’t know. You never know, right?”

“Yeah. My mom… well, things aren’t easy for us. I haven’t told her yet.”

“You’re still in contact, though, right?”

“If you count Bible verses…” Matteo sighs. “No, that’s not fair. Yeah, we’re in contact. It’s just… complicated.”

Amira nods. 

“But you want to tell her?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“Let me know how it goes.”

Matteo, who had been staring at his shoes, looks up. “Yeah. I will. Thanks.”

They sit for a few minutes, not saying anything. It’s not awkward; they’re just taking time to think.

“Did you ever tell him?” Amira asks, breaking the silence.

“Who?”

“Jonas.”

Matteo smiles - a sort of grin that’s almost a grimace - and shakes his head.

“I didn’t want to make things awkward. And I didn’t really acknowledge it, even to myself, even when it was obvious. And now it’s not that important anymore anyway.”

“You don’t mind him not knowing?”

“Why should I mind? It’s in the past, and it’s none of his business, really.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Amira looks troubled, though. “I just - I feel like I should tell her, you know? Mia, I mean. We don’t keep secrets from each other. But I don’t want to make it weird, either. I don’t want anything from her, honestly, I just… it doesn’t feel right to leave it at that.”

“Your choice.”

“Do you think I should?”

“If you think it’s the right thing to do? Definitely. I don’t know your friends as well as you do, I can’t give you the answer. But I can tell you that keeping a secret like that from Jonas fucked up our friendship for months. I mean, obviously it wasn’t the same situation. But I felt like I had to get away from him, I was terrified I’d say something weird, or that my… body language or something… I don’t even know. It was a pretty weird time for me, in a lot of ways. And I really needed him, but I felt badly for needing him. So I stopped texting him, I stopped dropping by. I’m lucky he’s such a good friend. I kept trying to cut him off, but he kept reaching out. I don’t know how I would have made it through the year without him. So I’m lucky, in that sense. But it really messed with me for a long time. I don’t feel like I need to tell him now, but I do regret not telling him then. It might have made things a bit awkward, but it already did, you know? Just the - the unspoken idea of it hanging over my head all the time.”

Amira nods.

“How can I tell her?”

“God, I don’t know… How do you usually talk about serious stuff?”

“Past midnight on sleepovers, mostly. Or over dinner.”

“Either of those sounds like a solid bet.”

A leaf falls into Amira’s lap from the tree above them. She picks it up, fiddles with it nervously, tearing it into strips.

“I don’t know if I’m ready. To tell her. Or - anyone, really.”

“You told me.”

“That’s different.”

“Different how?”

She frowns, furrows her eyebrows. “I have less to lose.”

Matteo shrugs, nods. “If you’re not ready, then wait. It doesn’t help anyone to rush, you’re doing this for yourself. But - I mean - you won’t _lose_ Mia. If that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I don’t even really know what I’m worried about. I’m just worried.”

“I get it.”

She looks at him, smiles. 

“Thanks.”

They sit like that for a few more minutes before Amira picks up her bag, checks her phone. 

“Hey, listen, I should really go, I have stuff to get done. But - you’ll text me, right? If you need anything? Or just someone to talk to? I know we’re not that close, but...” she trails off.

Matteo nods. 

Nothing’s changed, really, in the universe. But somehow things seem easier, smaller. Walking home, something upbeat playing in her earphones, Amira feels strong enough for the first time in a while. Like she can pick up her life in both arms, hold it close, and carry it wherever she wants to go.


	2. Saturday 18:39

_Saturday 18:39_

_ Crew 💕✨🎉 _

_Hanna: my dad’s out this week… anyone want to come over?_

_Mia: you want to party NOW???? i have 3 abi exams on monday… smh_

_Hanna: maybe you can keep studying, but my brain is saturated, i need a break!! i’ve been staring at my german notes for 3 hours but nothing is sticking…_

_Sam: ugh sameeeee_

_Sam: i’m down anytime!!_

_Kiki: yes please, i can’t stand it here anymore!!! not a minute of peace and quiet in this household…_

_Amira: i wish that were me ngl… if i get up from my desk to so much as go to the toilet my mom starts nagging me to study…_

_Hanna: so i guess she won’t let you come over?_

_Amira: i’m telling her i need to practice french with sam…_

_Mia: what a rebel ;)_

_Amira: good news guys it worked!!! be there in 20min?_

_Hanna: yessss!!_

_Kiki: i’m omw!!_

_Sam: me too <3 _

_Hanna: mia? sure you don’t want to come??_

_Mia: i have soooo much to study… i really can’t this time, sorry guys_

_Mia: next time though i promise!!_

_Mia: don’t have too much fun without me :((_

Twenty minutes later Hanna orders takeout and opens a bottle of wine. The four of them lounge around, complaining. 

“You okay there?”

Kiki is looking at Amira, who is lying on the floor.

“My back hurts from sitting. I can’t take it anymore.”

A chorus of agreement. Kiki suggests yoga. Sam groans. 

“Alright, everyone, let’s do something fun. We came here to relax, right? Could we _stop_ thinking about school for five seconds?”

“Seconded.” Amira, from the floor, gives a thumbs-up. “Any ideas?”

“I don’t want to watch a movie.”

“Neither do I. Do you have any board games?”

“You want to try and find a board game in my room? Have you seen what it looks like in there? Ever since Abi revisions started I’ve just been throwing everything on the floor and hoping I’ll have the energy to clean up later.”

“Bro, same.”

“Drinking game?”

“Hello?”

“You can drink soda instead. We’re all too tired to have any self-restraint anyway.”

“Not wrong.”

The doorbell rings.

“Dinner!”

Hanna and Sam get the door; Kiki and Amira stay behind.

“Ugh, I am so hungry.” 

Amira nods. 

“What happened with that Deliveroo job, by the way?”

“I had to drop it… With the Abi, and everything, it just got to be too much. You know? And… I didn’t like having to be so secretive all the time. I worried all the time that someone would see me. It made me sick.”

“I can imagine… I’m sorry.”

“But I got some money out of it, and I think the experience will help, you know, for going abroad next year. I've been reading up on these au pair-matching sites, and a lot of people go into it with zero experience. So having something on my CV is a plus.”

“Does your mom… has she agreed to it yet?”

Sigh. 

“We haven’t really been talking much, lately. I think the whole Abi-stress is affecting both of us. But if I get good grades she can’t really say no, you know? I’ll be eighteen, I’ll have proved myself to her. I hope.”

“You don’t need to prove yourself to her.”

“You know what I mean.”

Kiki nods. “Whatever happens, we’re on your side. You know that.”

“I love you, habibi.”

By the time Sam and Hanna walk in with takeout in bowls and a fresh bottle of wine, Kiki and Amira are sitting on the couch with their arms around each other.

“That one’s vegan, this one’s with chicken, and everything except that one is halal.”

“We’re sharing, though, right?”

“The noodles are mine.”

“Hey! Give that back!”

Amira sits back and watches them, smiling. She hadn’t realized until now how much she’d needed this, a break from it all. 

They laugh, eat, drink, laugh some more. Somebody digs out a bottle of vodka. Somebody else suggests “never have I ever”. 

“What are we, fourteen?”

“Come on, Amira, it’s fun!”

“Maybe you have to be drunk to get it.”

“Well, that helps. But there’s strategy, you know. It’s competitive.”

Amira rolls her eyes. “Sure.”

“Who wants to start?”

“Ooh, I have a good one!”

“Kiki first, then clockwise.”

Kiki goes, then Sam, then Hanna. Then it’s Amira’s turn.

“Oh shit, already? I haven’t thought of one yet…”

“Hanna hasn’t drunk even once yet. You have to get her.”

“Try and get one that’s just Hanna and no one else.”

“Hanna’s too innocent, that’s the problem.”

“I am not!”

“Okay, okay… never have I ever… kissed a girl?” Amira raised an eyebrow.

“Fuck, okay, see? I’m not that innocent!”

Hanna drinks and then pouts, pretending to be upset. Kiki and Sam look at each other, a little awkwardly, like they’re trying not to laugh. Hanna glances at Amira - _what’s going on? -_ but Amira just shrugs. 

Before either of them can say anything, Kiki and Sam both drink, then burst out laughing.

“Wait, really?” Hanna looks seriously shocked.

Kiki nods, a little embarrassed but still laughing. 

“Why is this the first time we’ve heard about this?”

“Please don’t be mad. We can explain.”

“I thought we said no secrets in the crew!”

Amira breaks in. “Hey. This isn’t the same. If they want to talk about it, they’ll talk about it. If they don’t they won’t. This is the sort of thing you should be able to choose.” She says it pointedly. Hanna stops, nods.

“Amira’s right. Sorry.”

Kiki looks over at Sam. “I would be okay with talking about it. I mean, if you are.”

Sam nods.

“So?” 

Kiki looks at Sam. Sam looks at Kiki, shrugs. _You go ahead._

“Well, it was last summer. We, uh, we were at Sam’s place together -”

“Wait, wait. You kissed _each other_?” 

Awkward smiles, nods.

“Oh my God, that’s so cute.”

Everyone laughs.

“We were - well, we were kind of drunk, and it wasn’t really -”

Here Sam takes over. “Okay, okay, long story short, I had a crush on Kiki for, what, two years? And she was hanging out at my place and we were sort of drinking, sort of talking, and suddenly she’s kissing me and I’m like - huh? What just happened? And that’s how I found out my straight best friend wasn’t as straight as I thought.”

“We were together for, like, the whole summer,” Kiki adds. “But after a while it just wasn’t right anymore, so we decided it was better to go back to being friends.”

“That is seriously adorable.” Hanna looks impressed. 

Amira puts her hands over her heart. “It’s so cool that you went right back to being friends, too.”

“Unless you’re still secretly in love with each other…” Hanna looks around conspiratorially, then snorts. “Just kidding.”

“Unless…?” Amira plays along.

“Stop it, guys, she has a _boyfriend_ ,” Sam laughs.

“I mean it, though,” Amira insists. “Something like that could have ruined a friendship. I’m so happy it worked out.”

“We’ve been friends forever. And neither of us really wanted a long-term thing to begin with…”

“It was just the right time, you know? And then it wasn’t, but not in a bad way. No hard feelings. Easy.” 

“Ugh… I want a love like that.” Hanna sighs.  
  
“Is this about Jonas?”

“Obviously.”

“Can’t we stop talking about boys for _one_ minute, please?” Amira shakes her head.

“I agree. Girls are much better.” Sam shrugs. “Hey, it’s just the facts. Even Hanna has to admit that. Right? You liked kissing Mia, don’t say you didn’t.”

For a second Hanna looks like she’s going to argue, but then she rolls her eyes. “Okay, it was pretty great.”

“You’re not going to elaborate?” Sam makes an attempt at puppy eyes.

“You want me to tell you what it was like kissing Mia?”

Kiki chimes in. “Yeah? Of course we do?”

Hanna raises her eyebrows. “Why?”

“Hello… because we wish it had been us?” Everything in Kiki’s expression says: _obviously._

They all burst out laughing.

Sam nods. “Truth.”

“Hang on, do we _all_ have a crush on Mia?” 

“Amira’s been pretty qui - hey, are you okay?” Suddenly Kiki looks concerned. 

Amira has her legs drawn up to her chest; she’s resting her chin on her knees. She has a kind of blank expression on her face, but when everyone turns to look at her, she shakes it off. “Huh? Oh, right, uh - what? Sorry, I was thinking about something.”

“Let me guess. The Abi?”

“Not you too… Why don’t _any_ of you people know how to relax?”

“Anyway. Now that we’ve got your attention, let’s get back to the subject at hand: Mia.”

“Hey,” Amira tries to protest, “it’s not fair to talk about her when she isn’t here.”

“Don’t worry, we were just talking about making out with her.”

Amira, who was taking a sip of her drink, very nearly spits it back out. The others burst out laughing, too. 

“Go on then, Hanna,” coaxes Kiki.

“Okay, fine. It was…” She pauses expectantly, keeping up the suspense. She’s smiling like a little kid. “It was amazing, honestly. She’s such a good kisser. And like, not to be gay, but kissing girls is just different, you know? Also, not to state the obvious, but… Mia is hot.”

Nods all around. 

“Kind of makes me wish I were bi,” Hanna sighs, refilling her glass.

“Uh…” Kiki looks around at Sam and Amira, like she’s waiting for someone else to say it. “I think you already are.”

“What?”

“Saying ‘I wish I were bi’ is a pretty good sign that… you’re actually bi.”

Hanna looks like she’s staring into space for a minute. Then she looks at her wine-glass, then at Kiki. 

“Fuck, you’re right.” 

For a second everyone stops, waiting for - they’re not sure what, exactly, but something. Hanna looks a little shaken. Then she laughs.

Everyone else does, too. Kiki kisses her on the cheek. Sam leans over to hug her, and they end up tumbling onto the floor. Hanna holds up her glass, trying and just barely succeeding to keep it from spilling as she falls backwards. Nobody can tell where their own laughter ends and someone else’s begins. 

“Group hug!”

“Come on, Amira!”

“You can be our token straight girl.”

Amira starts to laugh, then hesitates. Laughs again - stops again.

Sam, still lying on the floor, squints, concerned. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Amira hides her face in her hands, takes a deep breath, looks up again. _If not now, then when?_

“I’m not straight,” she says very quickly.

Sam sits up, puts a hand over her mouth, not sure how to react. “Shit. Sorry. I mean - not about the - I mean that I said - you know what I mean.”

Hanna and Kiki are disentangling themselves, looking up. “What did you say? I didn’t hear.”

“She said -” Sam begins, then thinks better of it, looks at Amira. “Why don’t you - ?”

Amira stares at her hands. “I said I’m not straight.”

“Wait, really?”

“So _that_ explains why you hate men so much…”

Sam shakes her head. “Hanna, don't be stupid. Amira…” she looks down, trying to think of the right thing to say. "I'm proud of you," she says, finally, and reaches out to hug her friend. 

Kiki and Hanna join in.

Amira closes her eyes. Lets herself feel… safe. Held. Understood.

There are moments like this, too few, but worth it - worth all the rest of it. Just little things, really. When she puts on her hijab in the morning, and her hands move in the same way that the hands of thousands of other women have done for thousands of years, and she knows that there is solace in the largeness of the universe. When she’s outside and the sun is shining in a certain way on a patch of flowers and she knows that there is more beauty and goodness in the world than there could ever be evil. And now, in a moment of crystalline vulnerability, as her friends hold her close, and she knows she will always remember how to be true to herself.

“Thank you,” she murmurs.

After a little while they separate, like a flower opening, and sit back down.

“Do you want to tell us about it?”

Amira looks around sheepishly. “Yeah.”

Encouraging looks, smiles, nods. _Take your time._

She breathes in, smiles, finally. “I only really realized it a couple of days ago. But it’s not… I don’t have a crush on anyone. I… I used to like Mia… a lot. I guess we all did.” She laughs softly. The others do, too. “But the more I think about it the more I think I’ve had crushes on… a lot of girls, actually. I… don’t know if I’m bi, or lesbian, or what. I’m still figuring it out. It’s just all kind of a lot right now.”

“Habibi… you have all the time in the world. Be easy on yourself.” Kiki’s eyes are soft, caring.

She smiles, looks at her hands. Looks up again.

“Don’t tell Mia I told you that, okay? I just… of course she would be okay with it, I just would rather be the one to tell her myself.”

“Of course.”

“Take your time.”

“You can count on us, habibi.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank _you_.” Kiki looks at her seriously. “For trusting us.”

“Always.” And they know from the way she says it that it is a promise.

Then she giggles, suddenly, and they’re all laughing again. It’s the adrenaline, the relief, the new lightness in her heart. The ridiculous beauty of being alive on Earth for a brief, miraculous, shared moment.

The call to prayer sounds out from her phone; the night goes on.


	3. Sunday 10:02

_Sunday 10:02_

On the bus home from Hanna’s - she left earlier than the others, Mia did have a point about the exams - Amira leans her head back in her seat. Usually being alone on public transport makes her - not nervous, exactly, but a little on edge. Today, though, she barely notices. She puts in her earphones, closes her eyes.

When she gets home, her mom seems to be in a good mood, too. 

“Bonjour, ma fille! Comment… eh… how was it?”

Amira smiles, shakes her head. “Très bien, merci, maman. We stayed up all night studying.” It’s lighthearted, more a joke than a lie. She doesn’t actually expect it to be believed. 

Her mom only nods, as if recognizing that going out had been the right choice. Amira had needed something to help pull her out of her exam stress, at least for a few hours. It was good for both of them, really; being in the same house all the time only gave them the opportunity to feed off of each other’s anxiety. A few hours spent goofing off at Hanna’s was a welcome break all around.

“I’m going to my room to study.”

Her mom nods, a strangely tender smile on her face. “That’s my girl. Can I bring you anything?”

“Uh - no, I’ll be okay. Thanks, though.”

She reaches out for a hug, not sure if it’s her or her mom who needs the reassurance. Probably both. 

In her room, she takes out her notes, pens, highlighters. She leaves her phone to charge at the other end of the room, takes her water bottle out of her bag, and sits down to study.

About an hour later, her back hurts again. Her brain feels like it’s overheating. She gets up from her desk, stretches, lies down on her bed and exhales. After lying with her eyes shut for a few seconds, she rolls onto her side and checks her phone. A Whatsapp notification comes up.

_Crew 💕✨🎉 - 49 messages_

She smiles to herself. Already? It can’t have been more than an hour or two since Sam and Kiki left Hanna’s. Still lying on her back, holding her phone over her head in both hands, she taps the notification. The latest messages are all images. Groaning at how long they take to load, she opens a few: pride flags, memes captioned “that wlw feel when”, screenshots from Twitter accounts called “Bi/Lesbian Solidarity”... 

A little confused, she scrolls up to the beginning of the conversation.

_10:16_

_Mia: good morning from the only responsible student in the crew! i hope none of you are too hungover? 💕_

_Mia: i have a question about the revision sheets ms. yildiz gave us for history, have any of you looked at them yet?_

_Hanna: lol imagine studying_

_Mia: 😭_

_Sam: yeah i’ve been using them, what’s the question?_

_Mia: i’ll pm you?_

_Sam: sure_

_Hanna: you missed outtttt last night mia!!!!_

_Kiki: you really did 😂😂_

_Sam: 😳😳😳_

_Mia: did something happen??_

_Hanna: let’s just say… you’re not the only bi girl in town anymore…_

_Mia: woah what??_

_Mia: did you guys make out or what?? 👀_

_Hanna: omg nooo_

_Hanna: i mean, not last night at least 😉😉 @Kiki @Sam_

_Sam: are you actually going to explain what happened or just send winky face😂_

_Hanna: 😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉_

_Sam: why do i have to do everything around here lmao_

_Sam: basically we were playing never have i ever and it turns out every single one of us is gay_

_Kiki: literally you turned us all gay haha_

_Mia: why do the exciting things always happen when i’m not there😔_

_Hanna: your fault for trying to pass the abi instead of coming to my party🤷‍♀️_

_Mia: please tell me you’re at least studying now😱😱_

_Hanna: studying more like panicking amirite_

_Sam: mood😫😫_

_Mia: i warned you!!!!_

_Kiki: don’t stress guys!!! you got this😊💪💖_

_Hanna: HOW are you always so positive smh_

_Sam: love you 💞💞_

_Mia: kiki’s right!! i believe in you guys, we can do this💕💕_

_Mia: and congratulations on coming out i guess?? still a bit confused tbh_

_Hanna: 💗💜💙_

_Kiki: 💗💛💙_

_Sam: 👭👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💞_

_Mia: 🌈🌈🌈_

Past that, they start sending memes. Amira turns off her phone and stares at the ceiling, trying to figure out why she suddenly feels anxious. 

Ugh. Always everything at once with her, wasn’t it? She takes a few deep breaths, puts her phone back on her nightstand, and sits back down at her desk. Everything else can wait; not this.

An hour later she’s checking her phone again. The group chat has calmed down, but she has a new notification - a private message this time.

_Mia: hey, everything okay?_

Amira furrows her brow. Has she done anything weird recently? Why wouldn’t everything be okay?

_yeah, why?_

She hesitates before sending it. Too defensive? Too much like an invitation to get into something she isn’t quite sure she’s ready to get into yet? She backspaces, tries again.

_Amira: yeah, just stressed for tomorrow! you?_

_Mia: same :(( good luck!!_

_Mia: just thought i’d check in since you weren’t saying anything in the group💕_

Amira doesn’t quite know how to respond to that. She sends a heart emoji.

_Mia: what are you working on rn?_

_Amira: german..._

_Mia: ayy me too!!_

_Mia: it’s weird, i think i lost some of my notes? like, for the lesson on romanticism, the last page about it in my notebook just cuts off weirdly, and then it goes on to a completely different topic..._

_Amira: what’s the last part you have, i’ll send you pictures of my notes?_

_Mia: actually, do you want to come over and study with me? a motivation boost would be great…_

_Mia: you wouldn’t even have to lie to your mom😇_

Amira, who is lying on her stomach on the bed, looks over at her notes. Unappealing. Mia has a point.

_Amira: sure! give me an hour?_

_Mia: perfect :) and bring your english stuff too!_

She can smell food from the kitchen; sure enough, a few minutes later, her mom calls her for lunch.

At the table it’s just the two of them; Essam is out with friends, her dad is at work. The conversation, which had been tense for the last couple of days, feels easier. Her mom asks how she’s doing but doesn’t push too hard. Instead, she’s softly encouraging. 

Amira welcomes the change. They pray dhuhr side by side.

“I’m going out,” she says afterwards.

“Didn’t you just get home?”

“I’m going somewhere different. To study at Mia’s. She’s missing some notes.”

Her mom obviously wants to say something, but chooses not to; instead she smiles, nods. Amira almost addresses it, almost says: _thank you for trusting me._ But for the moment she files it to the back of her mind, and puts on her shoes. It’s a conversation that needs to be had, yes, but later. 

She heads out.

When she gets to the apartment, Mia opens the door for her.

“Hey!” 

Amira reaches out to give her a hug; Mia almost collapses in her arms, and leans her head on her shoulder. She seems exhausted. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she mumbles.

“Aw, habibi… are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just a bit stressed out about...” Mia pulls away, shrugs, makes a vague gesture. “You know. Stuff.”

Amira nods. “When’s the last time you took a break?” 

“Uh -” Mia furrows her brow, tries to think. “What time is it now?”

Amira checks her phone. “Quarter to two.”

Mia groans. “I don’t have enough time…”

“I’m sure you’ve already gone through everything twice. Have you had lunch?”

A sigh. “Not yet.”

Amira raises her eyebrows. “Alright. Step one, you need something to eat.”

“Linn made dumplings.”

“Perfect.”

They bustle around the kitchen together, reheating dumplings, making coffee, complaining, reassuring. They take their time, giving themselves a moment to breathe before diving back into their notes. 

As they sit down together, Mia gets a strange look on her face.

“It’s so weird to think this is the end. Like, we’ll never live this life again. All the little victories and failures, all the jokes and embarrassments, all the things we worried about and looked forward to… that’ll all be behind us. And we’ll have new lives, whatever that means. I wonder how I’ll remember all this.” She picks up a dumpling, seems to contemplate it seriously, then looks at Amira. “I wonder what’ll remind me of you.”

Amira smiles gently, looking down at her cup of coffee. “Egyptian food, probably.”

Mia laughs. “And... karaoke. And that time right after the sun sets in the summer, when it’s still warm out. And the red heart emoji. And boxing. And libraries. And rap I actually like.”

Amira takes a sip of her coffee, trying to pretend she isn’t blushing, but doesn’t say anything. Mia changes tack.

“You were at Hanna’s yesterday, right?”

“Mhm.” 

“So…” Mia purses her lips, tilts her head, gives her a significant look. “What actually happened?”

“It was, um, actually sort of my fault,” Amira says, smiling almost mischievously. 

Mia, biting into a dumpling, makes an intrigued noise.

“We were playing ‘never have I ever’, and, uh, Hanna was winning, so I tried to get her with, ‘never have I ever kissed a girl’, and it turned out that… Kiki and Sam had too.”

“And they never told me?” Mia shakes her head, takes another bite of her lunch. “Did they say who they kissed?”

“Each other, actually.”

Mia almost spits out her food. “Seriously? God, I knew it!”

Amira looks doubtful.

“I totally called that. You don’t remember me telling Kiki to find a girlfriend? My gaydar is infallible.” Mia tosses her hair and leans back, faux-glamourous.

_Should I tell her? Should I wait?_

_If not now, then when?_

“I think you’d be surprised,” Amira half-mutters.

“Oh?” Mia’s still joking, but then she sees the look on Amira’s face, and puts her fork down. “Is there something I should know?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

Mia crosses her fingers, rests her chin in her hands and her elbows on the table. “Okay.” 

Amira can’t look her in the eye at first. Her eyes drift from her coffee mug to the ceiling to a vague corner of the room. 

“It’s sort of a confession.”

“Okay.”

“And it’s not - I mean, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about recently. Because I’ve been hanging out with Matteo... we were assigned study buddies in bio. And I’ve been sort of doing research about some stuff, and, uh...” She trails off. This isn’t where she wanted to start.

“Are you coming out to me?” There’s an encouraging look on Mia’s face, but something else too - almost like wonder.

“Yeah. I mean… sort of. I mean, that’s not all. I also…” deep breath. “I also kind of fell in love with you. Back in eleventh grade. I had a crush on you all year, really.” She stops there, embarrassed, worried she’s said too much. 

But Mia doesn’t interrupt; the way she looks at her, Amira knows she’s waiting for her to go on. She knows there’s more to say. So Amira says more.

“It was… a really weird time for me, honestly. I was just beginning to think I’d figured out who I was and what I wanted, and then you showed up, and… we all admired you so much, you know, from the beginning. Even I did, although I did my best not to show it.” Here Amira smiles, a little joking smile. “But eventually I had to admit to myself that it was more than that. I mean, looking back, I’d already had feelings for other girls before then, but at the time I’d never thought about it that way. I think knowing you were bi helped me put two and two together, sort of. But it wasn’t easy for me. I struggled with my faith - not constantly, but once in a while. It was pretty intense. It took me a long time to reconcile it all in my head. Do you remember when you were having trouble with Alex, and we were sitting in the school library, and you asked me if I ever thought about - just throwing away my religion, and getting drunk, and making out with someone?”

Mia nods. “You said yes,” she recalls.

“And then you asked: why don’t you? And I said, because my faith is bigger than my desire... And then you asked -” 

“If your desire became bigger than your faith, would you give in?” Mia says it softly, close to a whisper, careful, almost reverent. “You said yes to that, too.” The word _yes_ lingers in the air, like the final aching note of a song, like the aftertaste of something sweet. 

“When I said that - I was thinking of you.” Amira pauses there, letting her love expand, like bread rising, to fill the space between her words. Giving it time to breathe. “My faith ended up helping me through it, though,” she goes on, after a moment. “I learned to see it as a chance to grow, to learn, to open my heart. I… I still sort of see it that way. I think I’ll always carry something in my heart for you. I mean… I don’t want anything from you. You have someone, you have your happiness to find, and I have my own life to live. But - I want to thank you.”

For the first time she looks Mia straight in the eyes. The look she finds there is undecipherable, but kind. 

“Me? Why?”

“For... being who you are, bravely and unashamedly. For being my first real love. For never letting me down.” Amira’s heart is pounding, but she feels incredibly free. “Loving you made me - better. A better friend, a better ally, a better Muslim. I truly believe that. You broke my heart - but in a good way. Gently. Broke it open, so I could let the world in. I saw things in a new way, when I loved you. Not just myself, but everything else, too. It changed things for me. It always will.”

Mia’s eyes are glistening. She reaches across the table with both hands; Amira takes them in her own.

“So… thank you,” Amira breathes, softly, conclusively.

Mia looks down and turns her head, trying to pretend she isn’t about to cry. Then she looks up again.

“You know what’s funny,” she says, in a voice that doesn't sound funny at all, “what’s funny is that… I had a crush on you too. In eleventh grade. You were... so cool, you know? And you weren't afraid of anyone. I loved that. But I convinced myself that I didn’t have a chance. Which I guess was kind of true.” 

She gives Amira a desperate, pleading sort of look, and they both laugh, a heartbreaking, ironic laugh. _The saddest are ‘it might have been’..._ But it’s only sad for a minute, because they are holding hands and laughing together, and why mourn something that never happened when what _has_ happened is so precious?

“That is funny,” Amira murmurs, looking down at their hands. “Kind of an amazing coincidence.” 

“I guess it is, yeah.”

“Here’s a question…” The look on Amira’s face turns dead serious. “Which German philosopher of the Humanist movement described coincidence as a wall between humans and God?”

Mia snorts, pulls her hands away. “Oh my God, not now…”

“You think I came over here just for this? The Abi is tomorrow!”

“Do we really have to know the philosophers?”

“Ms. Maier said it would look good in an essay.”

“Ugh…” Mia puts her face in her hands. “I can’t believe you know them. I hate you so much.”

Amira grins.

“I love you too, habibi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the philosopher is nikolaus von kues in case anyone was wondering! super niche, amira has no business knowing who he is tbh i just thought it would be funny and cute

**Author's Note:**

> the title, huriyah (حرية), means "freedom" in arabic and was the title of an lgbt muslim magazine in the early 2000s!


End file.
